Changes :)

I like to look back on everything that I do and have no regrets. I usually have the feeling of regret at the time I do something that I don't like but later on I think well, ya know things happen and there's nothing I can do about it. You know the good old saying "Everything happens for a reason". I can honestly say there is nothing I would have changed about this past year. I loved everything about it and had so much fun. I went through a lot of struggles and obstacles and it was so hard to deal with it all. Sometimes it felt like I lost everything not literally but, mostly within myself and I felt alone and scared of life but I got through everything and look, here I' am. When I think of life is always has me thinking for a really long time. The definition is infinity x a million. I met so many amazing people and spent so much of my time with all of them. I did a lot of stupid stuff this past year and made a lot of dumb choices but it all played out in the way it was suppose to. I don't like to hold back on anything and I just live life everyday day by day. I use 't to always think about what I'm going to do tomorrow or the next day and what I 'm going to do about one certain situation but honestly right now these are my prime years I'm young and healthy and right now all I'm doing is hope for the best. Of course I'm not going to just sit back and do whatever I want and let things flow out I want to try to start doing things more productive with my life and experience new things that I never done before involving the world and traveling. I got down on myself a lot this past year over really little stupid things and I shouldn't of let all of it get the best of me but, I did and I don't regret anything. Everything made me stronger and more aware of myself. I know what I'm capable of and I know what I'm about. I love to test myself and see what I'm going to do next and what that will be I don't know yet but what the time comes I'll know. One big thing Ive learned is "it always could be worse". When I just think my life is crashing down and there's nothing to look forward to I'm always wrong but I think well, my life could be like this and I could not have this. Everyone has hard times but it can always be worse. When I'm having a bad day and the sun is still shining, I shine. :) I'm so thankful for everyone that's in my life good and bad because in some way they are all a part of who I' am and what I do. I'm thankful for the little things especially music aka my playlist haha. Music is such a big part of who I' am and within the past couple years I really realized this. It can make my whole attitude do a 180. One thing for the next year is I want to start being more nice to people. I know I'm a nice person but, I want to start smiling at people I don't even know because that could literally make someone's day. I know when I'm walking in a store or in the mall and I walk past someone I dont know and they smile, it kind o puts a little smile on my face and that does mean somthing. Overall this past year was wonderful and I couldn't of asked for more and hopefully the next year is just as good and it's one step closer to the next year and whatever life has in store for me.

memories of the yr 2008

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B- "Bite Down"; I can't count how many times my friends and I have listened to this song and most of all did the action. I think I heard this song about twenty times a day and like 20 times at night. This song was a big part of my life during this past summer. It actually means a lot to me.

*Becca's Car*- I don't think I have even been in my mom's car as many times I was in my friend Becca's car. So many memories and nights have gone in that whip. It was like our home.


C- "Concord House"- This was the house my friends and pretty much everyone I knew partied at for a month straight. Every night we were over here; it was pretty much insane. Everything and anything happened here. I will def. always hold this memory close with me. I could write a book just on this alone.

D- "Dancing" Every weekend this past year of 2008 there has been dancing all around me. All my friends love to dance. But, when I'm at the right place and in the right mood I'm right there with them. Dancing just makes you feel so right and top of the world. It helps your break lose and just be yourself. Dancing really brought us all together.

E- The word "Ecstasty" I refer to this word as happiness. If someone asked me to describe my year of 2008 I would have to say this word. This year has been so joyful and just a great memory that I will have forever. The people and places I went to were unforgetable and all I can do is smile whenever I think back at all the times I've had.

F- "Friends"-This past year I have made so many new friends and lost a couple really good friends. It's been quite the yr. with relationships and who I've become close with. I'm glad I got to experience the year with all the people I did, I wouldn't of changed anything.

G- " Grand ol' Days- LOVVEEEEEEE ITTT!!!  Summer days, summer nights, people everywhere in your face,  houses up all along grand havin parties, that's my kind of life. I went to this party that was outside in front of everyone on their lawn and I didn't even know these people but ofcourse knowing myself and my friends we went there anyways and of course we were all welcomed because we were hot girls and we just wanna have fun! Haha I ended up partyin with my mom this evening and it was really fun. I met this old dude on these like crutch things that he was walking on and they made him like super super tall and i was taking pictures with him and my head was in between his legs yeah very akward! ha! but very memorable.

H- "Hidden Falls"- My friends and I at least went down there once a day or once a night. That was our meeting up spot. Everyone would go there and then when it was time to go to the next location everyone would get in their cars and follow eachother. Sometimes we would have like 10 cars in back of us. It was so funny to watch, I thought someone would have gotten pulled over at least once but, it never happened. Sometimes we would all go down to the 3rd bench and have a little party down there. No cops would ever come but a few times they did. A few times someone would say "cops" and we would all run and be running for no reason at all and while we were hiding we would get 5 minute inch. Wow, did that suck! I think I iched for like twenty minutes.

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M- "Marshal House"-  My friends Amy, Sarah and Victor had parties at their house every weekend for a few months. We call it the marshal house because thats what the streets called. Too many crazy things happened here, it was absolutely nuts! I miss these days so much...we always had a place to go. Everyone knew about it too and everyone was invited there.

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R- "Rave"- I went to my first rave during the summer and it was called "Friday the 13th rave" and I just had to go. I wore pink spandex tights with a jean skirt and did my make up really cool. I went with my friend Becca and it was pretty much the coolest thing I ever seen. It was inside of an indoor skatepark. There were people riding their bikes and doin jumps and tricks. The lights were amazing and their were neon lights flashing everywhere and there were huge speakers and the vibration of them were insane. It was a good experience!


S- "Studio 250"-  This would be my most fondest memory and place I had the most fun at. I think I'm speaking for a lot of people when I say this. Everyone looked forward to the weekend so they could go there.. This went on for about a couple months and I was their number one visitor. I was there every single weekend, all my friends and I. I made sure we didn't go anywhere else. My memory is kinda foggy on some of the nights and yes I got way too out of control and acted insane and let the beast come out of me but, I was always welcomed back :)

T- "Taste of Minnesota " HAHAHAHAAH really all I can do is just laugh about these days spending there. Especially one night. SO SO SO crazy. I cant even explain what went on there and say what didn't. Some things I can say haha I gave like 10 dudes from South Africa my number in order to get on free rides. I went on like 12 different ones just for being a girl and flirting with them. I stole a real coach purse wallet type thing and got away with it and pretty much anything I that was in my sight I took. I know, I know, tisk tisk very naughty of me but what can I say? I got a little clepto in me :( Taste of Minnesota this past year was so awesome and I look back everytime and crack up because I was so stupid!

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free write

As of today I'm having a really good day so far. This morning I woke up to my mom screaming at me to wake up and I got really pissed off and told her to "shut the hell up". Then ofcourse she got really mad and left the house. I felt bad but, then I quickly got over it. Every day I have different feelings and the way I feel is really different. I'm sure thats the way it is for everyone. I'm just writing a short free write now because once again I cant focus on my writing and the assigment. Today Is Friday so I'm feeling very happy. Every weekend it brings joy to my eyes and ears with all my surroundings around me :) My friend Jeri is shadowing me today so it shall be more fun today also. I really hope tonight goes smoothly with whatever were doing or where ever we go. The past couple weekends have been really fun because there has been no drama! I'm interested in who will be calling me tonight because a certain someone hasnt called me all week and im very upset about it and usually we see eachother on fridays. It's whatever though, I'm not trippin. I'm having very mixed emotions right now with alot of things. I'm feeling kind of crazy right now and some things are rushing in and out of my mind. I hope I dont do somthing crazy tonight haha ;) Its going to be interesting because sometimes I dont know what I'm capable of especially if I'm under the influence on a few things. I do things that I regret the next day and I hate it but I get over it pretty fast. Theres one thing that I cant get out of my head from last weekend though and its like making me feel sick to my stomach. I dont know how I could do that and be so hypacritical you know? Like I say all these things about relationships and go and do another it just fuckin pisses me off and I feel very gross about it all. I think thats why maybe things are going the way it is. I believe in karam and when you piss her off she will come twice as hard and bite you in the ass, I dont care what people say, karma is true and shit happens...

summers :)

Ever since my summer of 05 I can say that was the beginning of who I' am today. I was thirteen years old and experienced so much and had so much fun with it all. My best friend Jacqui and I experienced so much together at a young age it was just so crazy. Every day was craziness and that's how it has been every summer since then. When school starts it all tames down some what but not totally but nothing is like summer. I wish I would have kept a diary on all the things I did, saw, places I went to, people I met..at least I have pictures. :) I met Jacqui at the roller rink when I was in 6Th grade and didn't start hanging out with her until the summer going into 8Th. Since we were together we were inseparable, I literally found my other half. Thats what we would say to people. We were sisters from another mother. That summer there was a group of us. There was me, Jacqui, Patty, and Britney. More later in me talking about my summers I'll explain why I'm not friends with 2 out of the 3 anymore. One of the stories is quite sad. Anyways, the whole shabamb started off with Jacqui calling me up one day asking me if I wanted to go to a party with her? I thought to myself wow, me go to a party? This is what I always wanted to do and she was in highschool at this point so she clearly knew where it was all at. I said okay and I was over at her house within 10 minutes. Her brother in law who is a D.G. at the Myth took us all to the party we were invited to. It was so much fun right from the start. I had all these guys not to mention OLDER GUYS hitting on me. I loved it. I was so use't to little boys at my school or just little boys in general around me and now I was around guys in highschool. Guys that were upperclassmen. I never really drank alcohol before, one time prior to this at this girls house and I got totally wasted, I blacked out. But, anyways I started drinking hardcore beer right away it was sort of like it came natural to me. More and more guys started looking at me and talking to me. I thought to myself wow this is the life. In my head I thought they liked me but I soon came to realize it was all a joke and thats how older guys were. I didnt have to worry about that at my little private school I went to. The whole night I was drunk and I was making out with a bunch of guys. I got like 8 dudes numbers and they got mine. I ended up doing some things that night that I regreted later on but as I look back I dont. We all make mistakes and especially at parties. I just happened to be 13 at the time. Everyone thought I was 17 and a junior at Concordia. Thats what I told everyone haha and they all believe me because I looked older. I developed and matured at a young age and could get away with it. That summer I spent with those three girls was amazing. We went to concerts, casinos, hotel rooms, fairs, parades, party after party and what topped it all off was the State fair. Wow, I tell you State Fair times during 2005 Summer was my prime. I went back to school in 8th gr. kind of a different person but not totally. I was always that girl who everyone looked up to and everyone wanted to be friends with. I was popular with pretty much anyone since I could socialize so in kindergarden. I didn't have any enemines. I some what did when with the older girls at my school because I looked older and had bigger boobs then them. To this day I think they were jealous. When I was in sixth gr the eighth gr. girls thought I wore water balloons in my bra. Come on now guys! Really? Its called pubirity. I just wanted to scream at all of them and rip of my shirt and say "look" now do you think im lying? Anyways, that summer I spent with those girls was really one of the biggest and fondest memories I will ever have. Whats funny is I was only thirteen but, it was all just so much fun. If I could go back I wouldnt change anything about it. I probably made some of the biggest mistakes I'm going to make my whole life but i wouldnt change any of it. I loved every single moment. I think it sticks out the most to me because it was all so new and refreshing and it was the start of my teenage years. We were like these little bad ass teenagers who got anything we wanted, went whereever we went. We were such little cons to everyone. Best of all I had my bestfriend all to myself. Jacqui is still my best friend but now shes 18 and works all the time, has a boy friend who acts like shes married too. Lives on her own and I barely get to see her. I'm okay with it now because I'm doing my own thing as well and met so many new people but, nothing was like when we were together.I wish it could still be her and I against the world but everyone has to grow up sometime and she did before I did. I know she wishes the same, I know she does but its never going to be like the way it was when we were younger. She really will always be a part of me. She's one of the biggest reasons I'am who I'am today. She has taught me so much. We spent our earliest teenage years together, thats when everything happens; when you mold into the person you are through out highschool and somewhat in college.



Well, I think I'm going to start off on the next summer. This one was a bit more crazy. Since that time to this time I met so many more people and experienced so much now I know what it's all about so I'm more syked to try new and more exciting things. I'm not sure if this was a good idea considering I was so down to do just about anything. I was going through a time where I loved the thrill of just about anything that was "bad" haha. Jacqui started going out with the guy Dan who was brothers of my friend Britney's boyfriend Peter. He lived in an apartment in Shoreview with two other roomates; Dan and Chuck Turner aka Hott Dan. Jacqui's boyfriend was named aka "Dipshit Dan" well, because he was a big dipshit at the time. We spent pretty much our whole summer over there. It was just unexplainable on what happened there or what didn't happen. Our new thing that we did almost every night of summer 06 was skinny dipping. Jacqui loved doing that. I didn't want to the first time we took a little trip to the nearest beach "Lake Josephine". I thought she was absolutely crazy. I didn't want to because I didn't want to strip down naked and jump in the lake with all the people I was with. So, i refused on doing it. I looked at Jacqui as this little she dare devil who really would do anything. I really looked up to her because she took life day by day living her teenage years so fully and alive. One night her and I told our parents we were having a "sleepover" somewhere haha only if they knew at the time. So, I told my mom I was going to Jacquis and when I got there we told her mom we were going to my house" so I guess a sleepover at eachothers houses haha. It was like out of a movie. We were upstairs getting ready for these three really hot guys we met a couple nights prior at the beach when Jacqui and my other friend tianna were skinny dipping, the night I didn't go in. They were from St. Thomas Academy, in frickin college! I was like fourteen at this time! Well anyways.. we were upstairs and i played a ringtone I had at the time my famous "crazy peter dance" one and I "answered" it (not really though, i was pre tending") and I pretended to talk to my mom and tell her we would be ready when she came and got us. I hung up. I knew her parents were in the kitchen right down the stairs so they could hear me. Wow, was I sneaky! So her mom believed it ofcourse she was so easy to con into anything. We finished getting ready and waited for the boys to call. Soon as they called we said "bye call you later" and ran out the door and just kept running down the street. We told them we would meet them at the Wal-Greens by her house so just in case her dad peaked out he wouldn't see the car that wasn't my moms car. I will always remember this when we were running I fell straight on my face an scraped my whole leg up, it was so bad. I had this huge scrape on my leg that started bleeding instantly. All I could do was laugh so hard and just keep running with Jacqui. Right when we saw them we jumped in the backseat and started driving. I knew we were going to a party but didnt know where. We ended up going to a party on their college campus. I was so excited. BOYS BOYS BOYS! haha thats all I could think! I ended up getting so so so drunk I told Jacqui I wanted to go skinny dipping after the party. At that moment I felt so accomplished in lying to our parents and making them believe that we were at eachothers houses I just had to do not to mention I had like 10 guys on my jock all believing I was nineteen at the time haha wow I love thinking back at this. Good times. Anyways off we went to the lake and there I go butt naked me, Jacqui, Tianna and this group of guys. I remember the feeling I had at that very moment. It was so powerful. The way i felt in the water at like 4 am. Wow! I dont even know. I thought to myself why wouldn't i want to do this every night then I thought well maybe its because i'm not sober haha so I said I just gotta drink every night and everything will be all good :) So we made a pack that whenever we can at night were all going skinny dipping no matter what or who were with and we sure did keep to that pack. So I'm going to have to say that really made that summer just awesome. Going to bed drunk with wet hair because we jumped in the lake was like awesome at the time. We would wake up and someones house we met that night with our make-up all off and our hair just nasty. Then we would be stranded in another city and hitch hike back to our house. I think back and I would never do that now but then I was down. Just to get a ride home. We would have to go home and get ready and do it all over again haha. Well, back to a little bit more at the apartment we spent mosrt of our days at. I think thats when I started smoking alot. I would smoke like 3 packs over there because they all smoked and they were just there. They were also very generous with their things aka alcohol too haha. We partied every night there. Let me tell you, things happened there where it wouldn't happen anywhere else! It was just great. We had to end our days and nights there about 2 months into our summer considering me and a bunch of us robbed a house that 4th of July. You know how I was telling you I stopped being friends with one of the girls I hung out with summer of 05 well, it was her house. I know, I know, really bad huh? let's just say I was young and stupid and the most well known I'm use't to saying still is "I just wasn't thinking" ofcourse. Me, Jacqui, Tianna, Alex, and Dana decided to go to her house and use the key I had to break in and steal a bunch of things. I at least stayed out in the car while they went in but it doesnt really matter that much because I gave them they key. Britney and her parents were out of town this weekend. That whole night was such a blur but I remember them walking out with so much stuff. I dont even remember if I was sober or drunk. I just dont know. Well we told eachother and this didnt get out to anyone and none of us would tell. Well, Jacqui was going out with britneys boyfriends brother and Jacqui wore her clothes one night like a week later over to his place and told him. Well, they ended up getting into a huge fight later that night and he told his brother ofcourse. We were all so mad at her for telling, not at the time really but once we had Britneys mom calling us threatening all of we were pissed. I woke up one morning with the sheriff on the phone with my parents not to mention speaker phone! I remember his scary voice talking to my dad. I almost shit my pants literally. I denied the whole thing for like three hours. My mom and dad believed that I wouldnt have any part in somthing like that. They made an agreement if I knew anything I would be in trouble with the law but not with them. I thought well, I'm probably going to get caught cuz none of us had a story to tell the police like if we were to get caught so I cracked to my parents. They were in shock. The police were already at Jacquis house that morning questioning her about everything. I tried calling her to tell her that I told them but when the police said I did she thought they were just lying to get her to tell. She ended up going to JDC that day and was there for about a week and for her birthday! I felt so bad because no matter what she didnt crack to them and I did. The reason why we couldnt go over to the apartment anymore is because the police went there investigating everything because we told them we went there after the robbery and they were pissed so they said we couldnt come over there. I think we ened up going there like a few weeks later thought but the energy wasn't the same. It was sad. But, most of all I was so mad at myself for doing this to Britney. We were friends with her, I had so many memories with her and she saw me as her best friend. I just couldnt believe I did this to a friend. Somthing I would never do now. It amazes me the things I did then. I really did lose a good friend and I made this friendship with someone and flushed it away over somthing so stupid. My summer got kind of dead towards the end because of what happened. Since that happened I remember still going out but I remember going to the drive- in alot with a whole bunch of people. That was alot of fun. I also lost Alex as a friend. We spent alot of time with him in the summer. He became part of our group, we would go everywhere with him. And, he was so pissed at me for telling the cops everything he didnt even want to talk to me. He would talk to everyone else but me so I felt really bad about that. I remember one night I was getting ready to go to the club with him and Jacqui and he didnt even pick me up for it. He told Jacqui no way in hell I was getting in his car. Jacqui's brother in law would get us into 16 plus at the Myth for free and we would get VIP. That was so much fun. We would go every Tuesday. We met so many people there to this day we know. We dont party or hangout with them but we still keep in contact with all of them. I remember the first time I went there. Jacqui and all her friends she came with got to go up on stage and dance in the cages. This was a big deal at the time because it was opening night of the 16 plus at Myth and we felt so cool because Jacqui was the number one D.J. theres sister in law. I remember going crazy and taking my water bottle I had and just pouring it all over my head and dancing. I think back now and think this really looked stupid because I was so not cute when I did this but at the time I felt really hot lmao. I would go there pretty much every tuesday and then leave to some guys house and party all night. I think back to all of these memories and everything I went through. It amazes me how much I really did and went through. I love it though because I got to experience everything at a young age I know what to expect now. I really did grow up fast but that was just part of my nature. My whole group of friends I had back at my private school all stuck together. Were still all friends to this day. Every teacher we had all thought somthing different of our group. They all knew we were different then the other kids but they knew we were good people and very good hearts. If it wasn't for my school and teachers I grew up with I wouldnt be the person I am today. They taught me so much and I appreciate them so much for that. I always talk about going back there and visiting them but, I just never do. No matter what I have been through or did I'm always going to remember who I am and what morals I have for myself. We all make mistakes but we should always remember who we are and what were about.

once again (free write) :)

I started writing the beginning of the story so called the assignment but I'm feeling like i need to do this at home when I'm focused and dont have any distractions around me so I'm going to write a quick sample of my weekend. Needless to say, my weekends are always filled with so much excitement and new things to talk about the following Monday. Friday my best friend from Forest Lake came down and we began the weekends just as always. We went to my friends apartment in Newport and his dad is in jail for the moment. Hes been there for the past few weeks so thats where we all have been going. It has been quite the time to party. Friday night was once again very fun but no drama. Its been weird because nothing really big has happened the past couple weekends and I like it that way in a "way" lol . I'm so use't to having something to talk about. I stayed there for a few hours and then my friends gf came to get us and dropped us off at my new "boyfriends" house haha. I guess you could call him that. All my friends got kicked out because his roommate was sleeping and had to wake up early the next morning but, of course I stayed back. it was quite interesting. Him and I has a very nice talk, a talk like we never had before and I felt in tuined to what he was saying. I finally got what I wanted you could say. I'm not so sure if this is going to be healthy for me though because I already feel like shit about the whole thing. I think this is why I usually don't have boyfriends, its just way to stressful and I think I'm happier when I dont have extra baggage. But I do believe in karma and I think it has something to do with my actions Saturday night when I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. Ugh I hate this shit, I really fucking do. BULLSHIT!!!! anyways Saturday we went to the same place. I'm getting really sick of people and their stupid ignorant ways. I find myself non stop around people that sound so stupid when they speak and they have no idea what their talking about. I wonder if they feel the same way about me? I think to myself how could they possibly think I'm ignorant?? It could be that way but I doubt it :) Overall this weekend was very fulfilling until Saturday night. How could I? I proved myself wrong once again. I was not right about what I thought about myself. It really pisses me off. I think I'm the one who surprised myself more then anyone else and since its me I get more upset but, I think thats the way it is with everyone. People beat themselves up the most when they mess up and I think thats how it should be. It shows that we really do have more respect for ourselves then what people come across as. It really shows when we fuck up. I think thats kind of interesting very much so. Well, its a new week and its almost my birthday. I can't wait! I was suppose to be on crutches for this one but I talked my mom out of the surgery once again. I know it has to be done but I just cant stand the thought of walking around on crutches during winter break. How horrible! I need to be able to walk especially for New years :) I feel things crashing and coming down but, Im not going to let it happen this time around especially for 2009. This year has to be good. As I get older it just seems to be getting harder with everything life comes with. My mom always told me this would happen. Well, I'm keeping the wall up this time and nothing is going to make it fall down. I feel very anxious right now about things and I cant wait for it all to come out in play. Sometimes I feel like a little baby learning how to walk. You have to fall over and over again before you can walk and this is how it's been my whole life. Things don't just get handed to you. You have to work hard and try over and over again before you get the prize. If that's what it takes to have a fabulous life and what I want then so be it. I had my friend come see me. I use't to hangout with her all the time. She is so different from me but we always seem to click and talk about just anything. Shes married now and lives in Winona with her husband. But I was thinking its so funny how I can have all these friends and just one day your not friends anymore and you can see them somewhere and have absolutely nothing to say to them. Its really sad how people come and go in and out of your life. And all the friends I have now most likely I wont see them in a few years and everyones going to go their seperate ways. I hate it but thats the price you pay in havin alot of friends. But, every memory with all of my friends is another snapshot to put in my photoalbum. My mental photoalbum :)

years in the beginning

From the youngest age that I can remember I always thought of my life as a movie. My family, the people around me, my friends, places I went to were always exciting and filled with so much excitement. I could just never get enough of the word "fun". I loved always being in the crowd and being in the conversation. I don't think I can come up with one story filling up the time for one whole week so I'm going to write about a series or things that has happened. When I was 9 I started going rollerskating at this place called Saints North. I would go with anyone that was willing to come up with me, the problem most of the time was my friends parents wouldn't want my mom to just drop us off and pick us up, they wanted her to stay there. But, since my mom was okay with not staying there and dropping me off and she couldnt lie to these kids moms, it was hard for me to find friends to go with. My mom always saw me as a few years older then what I always was. This was always pretty nice for me because I could do more things then other kids my age, haha accept for when I was really young I always had to come in when the street lights turned on wow did I hate that. I would go up in my parents room because their window faced towards the street and I could lay up there on their bed and look at all the other kids playing in the street. I don't know why I would do that because I'm assuming that would just make me mad seeing all the other kids still out there playing. It was probably a control issue in knowing that even though I couldnt be out there with them, I could still watch and see what their doing without me.



All my friends were boys up until 4th gr. I was a huge tom boy that loved playing with the guys and especially outdoors. I swear I could climb any tree I tried. I loved getting dirty, I remember I would always come back to the hourse with my feet all dirty and my clothes filled with things I didn't even know how they got there. I remember telling my bestfriend Joe Joe at the time that I was a boy because I thought he would like me better. He always favored the boys same with all the boys and they would all treat me differently because I was a girl so I felt left out at times. He didn't believe me no way, no how but, I still kept telling him I was. It's funny to think back on that and think I actually wanted people to think I was a boy haha. My bestfriend starting from kindergarden to 2nd gr was Nathan. Haha we would get into so much trouble together, we were the trouble makers of the school. We ended up getting split apart in 2nd gr from our teacher because we would cause too much trouble when we would hangout. So we ended up kind of drifting apart and he got a new bestfriend "Dylan". Wow was I jealous of him..I felt so betrayed but, I guess it had to happen because literally we couldn't hang out. My best friend who I have now Kirsten and two other girl Sami and Becca took me in as kind of like their little pet haha and formed me more girly. By the time third gr I was wearing chokers around my neck and I remember wearing a skirt and a blouse for picture day wow that was a big change. Pretty sure all the guys thought right there and then I was a "girly girl" now hhaa. I went to a little private school over by house that was really small. We were like one big family. I went there from k-8 so I never experienced a public school until 9th gr but ESPL( my private school) was almost like a public school. This was a school like no other, if I could I would make it into a highschool and tell everyone to go there. It was so awesome, those teachers basically raised me besides my parents and taught me everything I knew..




continued...

my writing

As a whole, my writing I think is pretty understandable and I can put peoples in my thoughts for a split moment. I try to express myself and what I'm trying to say as best as possible. Its always hard for me to get my point across thru speaking so I try my best when I write. Sometimes I can be talking about one thing and all of a sudden jump to another topic in my writing and I think I have to work on that. I mean, I can understand it but not everyone can and that might lead to people thinking my writing is not very good. Not that I care because my writing is my own personal thing that I share with myself and my thoughts but, when I'm in a class having my teacher and students read what Im saying might be a different story. I think my thoughts and feelings shine through and you can really gasp it all. I think I need to work on putting what Im trying to say in a whole and a complete thought. I usually ask questions in my writing like I'm talking to myself or talking to someone else. I write as if I'm talking to someone and having a conversation with them. Personally I love my writing and dont hold back on anything. It takes me to a world where I cant explain but I'm sure other writes can relate to what I'm trying to say. Its like its just me and the pencil and all the thoughts, feelings, insecurities overflow on my paper. It's amazing and I really treasure everything that comes in play with it all. Alot of times I come to a blank space in my mind where I just feel like I need to stop because my thoughts and what I'm trying to write are overlaping with eachother and I cant get it together and I have to stop because I cant write it. I know what I'm trying to write but its really hard for me to put it in words. Other times I can just ramble on and on about things and never shut up.

thoughts on the economy

Well, my feelings about our economy are very weak. I don't really know what to say about the whole thing. Maybe its because me personally isnt experiencing it or my parents. I usually can put myself in other peoples shoes and try to imagine what they are going through. It's not that I don't care whats happening with people's jobs it's just that I'm not thinking about this topic. It only crosses my mind when it's brought to my attention then, I usually just starting doing whatever I was doing. I'm not use't to people always talking about money issues and lost of jobs everyday. I mean, accept for when my mom says the simple words "I'm broke" but I'm sure every child has to hear their parents say that so I'm not quite sure if you can really compare. Anyways, since were on the topic and I'm actually thinking about it. My thoughts and concerns are hopeful. I dont really think theres much I can do about anything but all I can do is hope for the best. I dont know why the economy is like this..I dont see really anything wrong with it thats the problem I think. I usually have alot to say about stuff but this one just doesnt register for me. I must feel for the ones out there that work hard to pay bills and support their family, i must feel for them and I do. The thought of people getting basically half their lives taken away from them because it "has" to be that way really sucks. My mom has been at her job for 25 years. She works hard and goes every day rarely missing a day or even a couple hours. She's the one who pays for everything. Shes been doing it her whole life, whole marriage with my dad. So, the thought of her losing her job is out of question, out of thought. I dont know what I would do. Life is life i guess and things happen all the time. We might think we have it bad but someone always has it worse then you. I hope the United States can get it together and pull it through. Obama talks about change and how we needed it and how he will do it. Most of his votes were based upon just one word he always said "CHANGE". I know it's not going to just happen like that but hopefully it happens soon. All the people that didn't want him as our President and doubted him, I hope he proves us all wrong. I always said just one person can't change anything and everything that happens in our Country cant be blamed on one person. Everyone blamed it on Bush and I thought that was very unfair for him. I'm not quite sure if that will be the same for Obama thought. I feel like if things dont work out in his pleasure and things arent "changing" people wont say anything about it because hes on this high torch for whatever reason. I take back what I said actually. Im not going to wait for Obama to change anything yes, he does have a big impact on alot of things soon to come but its all about life and life changing as people getting older, the years changing. It will all come together. God has a plan for all of us. Whatever is meant to be it will be. We have to stop blaming eachother and pointing fingers. We have to focus on ourselves and whats best for our Country. No matter what have to conquer everything that comes our way and stand united. We have to represent what our Country stands for. "These colors don't run". Thats what I'm hoping for.

just think

Lastnight I went to treatment. Im going to have to say it was probably one of the best nights there so far. I was really nervouse going there due to some nights prior to lastnight. But, the conversation was one of the best. Ofcourse it was an argument on what WE thought about space, life, the last day on earth, how we were made etc. I guess you could say "deep" things to talk about. Sometimes I get into these moments where all Im doing is thinking about these things. I told my counselor this is why I dont smoke weed haha. Thinking about life and what other life is out there really amazes me. My religion believes that Earth is the only planet with life on it and we came from man. As I'm getting older Im finding more and more things about the worlds and facts are being thrown at me from left to right and I really think its testing my true beliefs on things which I'm not liking very much. I dont like to be tested on my faith and my thoughts on what I think and how I've been brought up. But, we cant help our minds and where it goes to. Our mind can go into another world, another place whenever we want it to. Thinking about what could really be out in space just blows my mind away. Everything is so huge and so far away our mind cant even comprehend it all. We only know whats in our solar system, if that. This boy that Im in treatment was saying some really cool things that really caught my interest and it was a really good discussion. What if theres other solar systems out there just like our milky way that has other life on it. What if we really could travel in time through a worm hole and go to another world in space? I just dont know anymore. I mean how big really is space? I mean theres just so much out there. Another topic we talked about was evolution. How we came from apes? Hmm..this one is hard for me to believe. I just think its really obserd to think this way. How could this possibly be true? Humans are such amazing creatures the way our brains work, how we function all due to our brain, how intelligent people are..all the new inventions were making every day, every year, every new generation. Or how about this question? Are we really here? Is this really happeneing? Was I really born? Is life going on right now? Am I typing right now, moving my fingers, staring at the screen? I guess life just amazes me when I really think about it and everything around me just is there. How I'm here right now in this time of the world. My face, my hair, my eyes. People say God isn't real and the world just appeared and we just came from animals. There has to be a higher power out there and the way God is discribed could be in my eyes the only one that could have done all these marvelous things. Theres is no way we just came from animals, plants whataver. I guess thats where my faith plays in. People say the Bible messes up in what it says. I feel that people underestimate that book very much but every other science book or any other book people believe instantly. I dont really know why I believe in him, I do but thats just where I have faith and its like I know. I dont have an explanation its just there in my mind,heart, and soul. I cant get mad for other peoples thoughts and ways of thinking. I'll listen but it will never change my thinking. I have caught myself doubting but I cant let that happen. Its just my faith getting tested and I know that. I usually end the conversation in " I guess we'll just have to wait and find out".

someones blogs :)

Well, I didn't really get the chance to read everyone's blog but blogs that usually catches my eye I read. I never really read her writing before until I started taking this class. I'am very pleased when I read her latest blogs because I can relate to her the most. Her thoughts about things are very similar to mine but not her writing style. Shes more discriptive about things and more accurate on what shes trying to say. In my eyes as a writer, I think she has alot of talents. She expresses herself in a way that people can see and get what shes trying to say. She has complete thoughts and her feelings really show through and what shes feeling that exact moment. I can put myself in her shoes for the moment Im reading her blogs. It seems to me she likes to write and write alot and I like that. She vents on her blogs when shes feeling a certain way and I thats kind of what I do. Maybe thats why I like her blogs? Probably. Overall she seems to be a good writer and knows what shes trying to say and she puts it in words very well.

magenticpoetry

Who smoke your sex
there soon was velvet
surround magic with perfume
where it never heals
the poison slowly speaks
at the fever of its prisoner


wild sex, vivid movement
life was only the question
black latex investigate her canvas
free as a drug, every cigarette composing
live your imagination as you think
my absurd drunk is genius

grateful thoughts

Thanksgiving is just tomorrow and i havent really thought about it or if im looking forward to it or not? I dont know why, every year is the same with my moms side of my family. I havent really seen any of my family since last Christmas so I am excited to see all of them. Its always nice to spend time with your family especially your grandparents. I always think about going to go see them and spending time with them but ofcourse my social life and just pure laziness always gets in the way. Thats ofcourse because I let it. As I'm getting older I'am more aware of who and what Im grateful for. Every year I see myself getting older and finding out more and more new things about myself. When I was younger it was mostly just about myself and what I needed and wanted. Now I find myself thinking about others before myself. I'am grateful for so many things in my life. Just the little things like my mom telling me she loves me before she drops me off at school. Or, in the mornings when she wakes me up and lays next to me for 5 minutes. Not everyone has a mom that is there for them and as I'm getting older I see how much I am grateful for her. I'm grateful for the sunshine. Waking up in the morning and seeing the sun shining through my window. Yes, its very cold out there but atleast we have the sun to put a smile on our face. Life is just filled with so many gifts and surprises that something new each day I become more and more gratful for. As time goes by, I find myself losing things that I was once grateful for and now I cant even be the same way because its gone. You know everyone knows the old saying "You never know what you lost until its gone" and I think thats falls into the category. We as people, as human beings take things for granite every single day, we do it with us not even noticing it. When we lost someone or somthing unexpectedly it feels for awhile there then we have lost everything even though we havent but, its feels like we have. I think when that happens to someone it really shows you how to appreciate things more and be grateful for what you do have and not envy what you dont have. Its hard to lose somthing you once had but, I think it all makes us a stronger person and teaches us how to learn and grow and most of all to appreciate and be grateful for YOUR life.

focus(free write(;scattered brain

My mind is continuing. I feel like I always say this in like almost every piece of writing I do thats either random or about myself. Ugh sometimes I really do feel crazy. I cant help it. People think Im on something but im not, i dunno..like i just get this burst of energy that i rarely ever get but then again i always get it. I feel so different from everyone else. Everyone is calm and can focus on their work and what they are told to do But I cant! I just talk and talk and talk! other days its like i dont wanna talk to anyone but today for some reason i wanna scream soooooooooooo loud! i wanna smoke a bunch of cigs and i wanna be around a bunch of ppl, i hope this is not a sign? okay now im just thinking crazy. Why do i always get paranoid?? i hate it! see before i was really happy but like everyone knows things dont last forever and i know for sure happiness does not! what if something bad happens to me? see now im just paranoid or thinking im jinxing it! I wonder what makes the brain work like this...what triggers people out of nowhere with no specific reason to just act so hyper and crazy and talk about things just randomly. My teahcers tell me to focus, i wanna be like do you really think i can focus now? When I say focus I think of medecine. My whole life my teachers have told me I should be on medecation err whatever, i tried it once and i hated it, i wasnt me anymore...why would i not want to be happy?? Focusing has so much defenition for it. You have to literally train your body and mind to focus, well for my atleast you do. I cant just sit there and listen and pay attention, I have to actually get my mind in a different setting and for me to really know whats going on I have to have no distractions and really focus in. I think my main non talented thing i can do if that even makes sense to you ppl, is FOCUSING! wtf??? how can ppl just focus like that? dont they have thoughts or any triggeres that are making them not? i know i do, maybe its controlling your thoughts and putting them off to another hour in your day to worry about them or to think about them. I cant do that. When I start thinking about somthing, ill just keep thinking and thinking about it and I might go onto another subject and be listening or whatever but in the back of my mind i still have that one thought! Focusing can get very complicated. i feel like im one of those hyper acting never ending crazy little 8 yr old boys who cant sit still, the only thing thats making me sit still is this screen im looking at and the keyboad for my fingers to move across, once i turn off this computer and im headed for my 6th hour. good luck cadex! lol just kidding but no really, hopefully ill be able to focus in his class cuz i think hes losing his patience with me.

quote of the night :)

"Never change who you are because only YOU can be the one and only YOU" you know..this really gets to me. After reading it I was like I have to go and save this in my phone so I remember it at all times, HA! I know. Everything about it just makes so much sense, and not alot of things make sense to me. I'm always analyzing things in a way it gets me confused. Alot of people just think I'm stupid but I'm far from stupid. Ha, thats what I think is so funny about it all. I'm just thinking harder and beyond whatever everyone else is thinking. Anyways, thats besides what Im trying to say. I just had to throw that in there. There is so many different people in this world all over and noone is exactly alike. For instance, twins even. They might look alike but they dont have the same DNA. People might act very similar or even laugh a certain way or have the same looks but noone is exactly the same. So what I love about his quote is its saying love who YOU are, love what YOU do and how YOU are because noone else can ever be like YOU. Change can sometimes be in a good way and sometimes for the better but never change who your about or what you stand for. If you ever start second thinking yourself just stop. Be loyal to yourself and never let your quard down on anything.

parents

Parents are a huge part of their childrens lives and really do have a big impact on their childrens thoughts, actions, and life itself. I dont always think parents think that way. I woke up this morning to my parents arguing and yelling and I didnt think anything accept why cant they just get along? It really concerns me in a way of my own being. I dont want to end up like them. I dont want to end up having a horrible relationship with my husband after seventeen years together. What happens overtime with kids and their parents start showing in the later years and I really begin to see that happening with me. I wish I can just make everything better and make them get along but the damage is too far done and there is no going back in my eyes. Its hard to see both sides sometimes but I mostly do. Only because I love both of them so much I cant help but not. My mom always asks me if what my dad does has an impact on my life? I usually answer with "ofcourse it does mom" but, then its just back to whatever we were watching on t.v. or talking about. I cant really talk about my feelings with my mom like I want to, I dont think it will change anything. I have all these feelings inside of myself that build up overtimes of me not saying anything and then once somthing really huge happens I blow up and spit everything out at them. Thats not good because their not listening to what Im really saying, they are watching me blow up and hurt about the situation. I hope sometimes the look on my face is more clear to them then my words are. I woke up this morning asking my dad to take to school, I was still half asleep when I was talking to him. He said "no" right away so I screamed PRICK at him. Instantly he reacted and I could tell I said somthing wrong. After seventeen years I called him that. I could tell it was a word he never would of thought I would call him. It was funny because when my mom got home he told her what I said and she instantly said "olivia why would you say that"? so she was obviously concerned why I would call my dad that. Sometimes just one word you can say to someone has so much meaning behind it. You can confuse people one you just say "bitch", or "prick", or idiot". You just dont know whats behind it. Ofcourse you know what the word means but people can lash out in different ways. Well, when my mom stuck up for my dad right away I kinda had security that she still cared about him and that was a different feeling I have had in awhile towards them.

death and really thinking

So today I went to my friends house to borrow one oh her purses and we began talking about all our partyin we do and who we hangout with. I found out of my friends (acquaintances) I know, who I uset to party with all the time this past summer, her brother was shot and killed at once. At first I was told it was her cousin Josh. I knew him and uset to party with him every weekend for like 2 months so I quickly felt this weird feeling that I never felt before. I never had someone close to me or someone I knew die before so it was all new to me. At first it didnt hit me yet but then I started thinking about the last time I saw him and what we did together..I started crying and just thinking about him as a person and how I knew him. I soon began to tell people that knew him too and all that. I found out it wasnt the kid I knew and it was my friends brother. All of a suddenn my feelings changed. It was still sad but not as sad as when I thought it was someone I knew. It weird how we have these feelings for someone we knew or someone we even met, or someone we hung out for a little bit and all of a sudden they can be gone and you have this feeling that you never felt before take over your body. Its also true that I found out tonight is not believe everything you hear at first hand because the whole story can be changed around. I never knew what it was like to lose someone that you knew until tonight. Its a horrible feeling and I would never wanna feel that again. I cant even begin to imagine what this boys mom or sister feels. If I felt so horrible and barely knowing him...imagine the people that know him best. I just cant imagine it but life is life and it throws the unexpected at you all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I can deal with the unexpected constantly. It gets old sometimes. Also, I have really been thinking about my partyin and who I associate myself with. This past weekend one of my really goof friends got jumped by dudes and he doesnt remember who they were or why they did. He doesnt even remember anything about it. That really scares me because I found him upstairs passed out in a bedroom when we were getting ready to leave. What if I found him dead? I wouldnt know what to do, say, why people did this, or who did it. The unexpected can always happen at a house party especially when there are so many different types of people there, different crowds, gangs, race, gender, relationships, etc. You just never know. And when there are drugs and alcohol involved..wow Im only 16 and I have seen so much due to those! Alot of things have been happening and I dont even want to go out on the weekends anymore..I dont wanna be that girl on the news talking about my bestfriend getting shot or murdered or beat up whatever it might be I dont wanna be her. Shit, even the girl who is on the news because she got murdered. All the partying is just not worth it. I guess it has to take someone close to you getting hurt or killed to finally wake up and realize you dont always have to party or drink. Because sometimes the night you might this will be a blast will turn out to be either your last night over somthing stupid and pointless or somone close to you due to the same situation.

Space and whats really out there.

( I started writing at 9:10 and finished and 9:52)


So I decided to pick the topic space to do some research on. As Im reading through articles I have found they are constantly mentioning "theories" to why things are and how the things started throughout time in space. It amazes me that everything involving science can be found out and scientists can dig, dig, and dig to get so much informantion on all these other things but noone can figure out space. I have always been interested in space and learning about it. The whole thinking of it just blows my mind away. Spa ce I think will always be unknown to me and to other people. Us as humans cant get the whole concept of it. Theories we have as people are always with other people like what we think is going out with them, or what really happened? You know, gossip or what events really happened in the past that we do research for but space is a whole nother topic that we cant just quite reach. One thing that caught my eye is there are stars out there that fail and they end up dying. I knew that starts dont live forever but it says that they live from 1 million to 3 million years. They say thats young! They are about 520 years away and in the range in mass from 40 to 70 times the heft of Jupiter. Thats huge! Earth is almost invisible to Jupiter and Earth is pretty damn big to us people. They also say that the Sun us 4.6 billion years old. Im still considering if thats fact or if scientists just say that to make it some like they have some facts about our solar system. How would they be able to figure how old the sun is but not be able to figure out how the planets were made? I mean for how long now has the world been talking about the "big bang theory"? I just dont believe that. There is no way that all of a sudden everything just banged together and the plants were formed..It would of had to take some kind of higher power to do this. Everything in life considering our earth and other planets, space, etc just doesnt happened there has to be a story behind it. The starts that soon end up failing out which is 1 to 3 million years of living are called brown dwarf. Scientists dont know how life can form on them if all the plants around them are dark and cold. Im still trying to get the answer if planets can soon end up giving up. Stars are actually way different the planets. I would think planets would be around forever well until the world ends that is..or would the planets still be around? I mean we just never know. I think the thing that amazes me about space is were always left with wondering and whats really going on? I mean space is so huge and everything is so far away we just cant realize how everything is so BIG! I mean, the largest star out there is ofcourse called a Red Giant. The sun in the picture shows that being invisible to it. And our sun is pretty damn big. People say that the Sun is the biggest star but its really not. The largest planet in our solar system is Jupiter. The red spot on that planet is bigger then the Earth. Jupiters overall size is 318 times greater then the earth. Jupiter is 2.5 times greater then all of the planets combined. It takes this planet 4,333 days to orbit the Sun one full time. Jupiter has 63 discovered moons on record. The larget planet out there that was discovered shouldnt even be that big according to its mass. The planet is about 1.7 times as big as Jupiter making that almost twice the side. It has cloudy planets all around it. Its existence cant even be explained by current models. Tres-4 is the largest planet out there that scientists can find, there could be more larger plants but we have no way of measuring theur sizes because they dont transit. In the reading I read that our Sun will become a Red Giant one day but for another billion years. I just dont get how they knows this but cant figure out the questions that people are always wondering..? They say that once Earth becomes a Red Giant is will make Earth disappear. Tres-4 seems to be a mistery to why its so large. All the research they have done on it doesnt make sense to it size.

www.space.com/scienceastronomy

adult blogs continuing...

Steven d. levitt-
I found this blog written by him concering someone elses thoughts. He viewed Gary Becker's theory on addiction and what he thinks is the biggest thing to become addicted to. He said that most people are addicts in some way and get addicted to something. He took a poll on what people think is the most addictive thing on earth is. Most people threw out things like crack or caffine, heroine. But, he didnt want to throw a blog out there on the obvious answer or what people automatically think the answer is. He listed 4 things on what it means to be addcited to something and what happens during the period of time. Gary Becker said that "falling in love" is the most addictive thing a person can come to. I agree with him fully. Mostly towards younger people.All us teens and younger people are searching for acceptance and someone to love and someone to share our love with. Everyone wants a person to lean on and share everything with..yeah we have our close friends to do that with but us as human beings want that intimate side too and I agree with him on love is the most addictive thing out there.



Gary becker and Richard Posner-

This blog that I read of theirs is on drunk driving. They say that this is the biggest crime people do in the United States. Unlike Sweden or other countries, people are smarter about this and make their choices on what they are going to do after they are done drinking. He does not agree that people make their choices on drunk driving during this time or after the times of their drinks. He says people fear punishment, they make them before driving if they have drank alot. He thinks that the harm due to others while drunk driving shout be the same as the person doing it. United States has over 40,000 deaths per year due to drunk driving. Becker claims that during the Holiday season that is when there are the most accidents and deaths due to driving back from parties for the holiday and holiday parties. The United states law on drunk driving and their punishment has not been high but recently due to the group called Mothers against drunk driving..the punishments for drunk driving has gained high alost 40 percent. I like this blog because it gives alot of facts about drunk driving and percentages on things. I think he has a good idea on the whole thing and is really clear on it all.

adult bloggers

Stephen Hawking-
One blog that i read about his is on how and ego can be a distored self-regard which is referred to as "inflated consciousness hypnotized by itself and how it can lead to distored relationships. This caught my eye because learning about one selves mind and how relationships work interest me. I read through some of his writings and hes a very smart person who puts his ideas in a manner of making the reader really think about whats hes saying and not letting it be too complicated either. One thing that he said was how was celebrity or famous person cant really make genuine relationships with other people because of their "ego";"image" and self-seeking. What famous people think of themselves is what others around them make them out to be.

Douglas Eby- The article that I read of his is about people and their addictions and why their mind and body do it. He writes about people with exceptional abilities having addictions. This one caught my eye because addictions always intreged me. I always wonder why people cant just stop doing something that they become overally obsessed with and why its so hard for them.. whats going on with the brain REALLY? He talks about many of the artists and authors who were addicts and what drugs they used. It seems to me most of the well known and best artists were addicts. I wonder why that is...

Eric Maisel- One of the articles I read by him is "Making Meaning". He talks about people just wanna find meaning in themselves and their existance. He talks about the strive and struggling of worthy of the man. People want the call waiting to be fulfilled by them. He talks about how meaning making is an arrogant idea. But is it really? This is a misunderstanding of the differnce between standing up for your morals and what you believe in rather then being irrogant about it because he says we all know whatever your morals might be isnot iggnorance. Acting like you are better then other people and acting like you are in the position to condemn are totally different.

My name is Olivia and I have lived in St.paul my whole life. I love the cities and i wouldnt go anywhere else besides here. i love the action thats involved all around me in my everyday life. Im an outgoing person whos always down to try something new, i love experiencing new things involved with special activities. One quote that i like living by is"if everything seems undercontrol, your just not goin fast enough" maybe thats why im always doing somthing or always on the go. I believe life throws obstacles at you everyday. some might be more difficult then others but its up to you to overcome then. You never know what life will throw at you, one day you can be doing this then the next that. life is filled with surprises and you never know what your gonna get. I tend to find myself taking things for granet such as my friends, family, my school, teachers, my home life, things i like to do, myself..and it scares me to think just what if? what if everything i cherish was taken from me. What would i do? what would i be left with? how would i live my life? See, i dont know what i would do and it scares me to not be in control of things. I dont really have any hopes for the world accept for just living life. I want everyone to be able to experience life and live it to its fullest potential but ofcourse im not in control of everyone so i have to worry about my life. "love yourself first" is another thing i go by..if you dont love yourself then you cant love period. I have alot of pet peeves but they are just little things. One of the main ones is students being disrespectful to teachers. I was taught to honor and respect your elders no matter what. When i hear teenagers talking back to their teachers when they are trying to teach and help them just makes me cringe. I love alot of things in life but one thing i love the most is being with my family. it might not seem like that to my family but when im with them at thanksgiving, christmas, easter or whatever it may be im the most happiest. My history as a writer is only a few years. i started writing in the 4th gr. My mom and dad were arguing downstairs and I was so angry at them and wondered why they were always fighting..i thought why even get married if all your gonna do is show hatred towards eachother. So I went to my room and started writing. I wrote these 2 poems and back then i thought were so good. I still have them. I look back at these 2 poems every now and then and think wow i cant believe i was 9 years old and had these kind of feelings. i have always been more mature for my age and always looked older but i didnt know i felt this way about my family. Since i was 3 years old i always looked at things differently then others my age. I always knew what was going on with people, it was really weird. Maybe that was a good thing, i dont know but I do know that what I knew made me grow up older and experience things at a young age. Anyways, my writing to me is very personable and genuine. I cherish everything I write about because its a true reflection of who I am as a person.

free write

Okay so basically I was suppose to write this blog early this morning but I had to catch up on the last blog from yesterday morning. Im going to just write a free write of my day and so far night. Since my mind is racing and I cant really think of a topic or even off the time of my mind I will just write. So today I went to school and ofcourse I had a good day at Creative Arts. I always do. The people and the teachers always make me smile and in a better mood. I cant help but not love it here (i hope im not "jinksing" myself lol) however you spell it. Anyways Im havin a hard time on picking my classes because Im so confused on how many credits I need and what classes I need to exactly take but for now Im just going with the flow. After school I went to treatment and I actually walked out of there thinking about my life and the situations I sometimes put myself through. I have been there for the last 5 months but tonight I was really thinking. Do I really want to be that girl who everyone sees as a good person and I know I am but sometimes my actions dont always show that. I have good intentions and I want to succeed and I was to go places but if my life im living really going to take me places? I know everyone has dreams and hopes for their future but in order to succeed you have to just not talk about it you have to start with your actions. You know? I always think to myself why am I not as smart or as talented like other kids my age? I mean, they can draw, paint, sing, dance, act, do photography..whatever it might be. But, not everyone can do all of that. I tonight was so excited to come home and write this blog and as of right now Im thinking..I love to write. It truely is my passion and thats what Im good at. I never actually take the time to sit down and really think about things. It comes in my mind and all of a sudden ill be on the next subject thinking about what Im doing tomorrow night..so Im always left wondering. I hate to wonder. I want the facts! Tonight I was in the car with my mom and I was thinking what if I just got into a car accident? what would i be thinking? what would I do? or if i could do anything..? Life is so beautiful and filled with so many oppurtunities that myself and people are wasting on things that arent going to get them anywhere. Maybe this is a sign of me growing up? Im not sure yet because Im not letting my actions speak yet. Anyways getting back to when I was in the car with my mom, I thought what if I was gone? like that?? My life was suddenly out of my hands and my mind was no longer in existence..how many lives would be changed from that? Im always thinking "what if"? Im not sure if thats a good thing or bad thing. I do know one thing though, it gets stressful. Well, I dont know what tomorrow will bring but I know today was another day added to my calendar. I just gotta keep going and be the best that I can be, not for anyone else but, for me. I know right from wrong..I shouldnt chose the wrong path but sometimes I do, heck I'm human..that shouldnt be an excuse but thats mine most of the time. Temptation gets the best of me and I dont think I just act. Well, I hear my dad leaving right now because his car is so damn loud because of his muffler. I wonder where hes going..i always have to wonder that. He's capable of anything and his actions are what I worry about the most. Hes like a ticking time bomb..just ready to explode! Well im done, I just had to get some of my thinking off my mind. Good night!