Over the past week or so I've found myself in a weird state of my mind and I wouldn't say a bad one. I've been thinking about things more in depth and actually "caring" more about things that happen around me. I've cut a lot of things out of my life over the past couple weeks and I've been more in-tuned with my feelings and my emotions. In a way I like this side of me because it reminds myself on what I use't to be like before I started partying hard core like I do now. I think I'm more likable and people think I'm "nicer" I guess you could say. But on the other hand, I have nothing to escape to and I just have to deal with my emotions and for awhile there I was finding unhealthy ways to escape the feeling of actually having feelings. I see myself as a never ending addict, not meaning in drugs or alcohol in particular but just in everything. I think in my head i need certain things or activities I do to make it through the day. I have an addicting personality and once I do or try something I like and it makes me happy I think I need it everyday. I'm sure thats how all "addicts" are. For instance I just recently cut energy drinks,caffine, and fast food out of my diet and already I see a difference. My body is so use't to be builded up on caffine and now that I dont have it, its weird because I have cravings for Mountain Dew. I can just taste the first gulp of that sweet green pop I love biting my throat. Gosh, just writing and thinking about it makes me wanna go buy one at lunch, but I know I can't because then in my mind I'll think it's okay to just give up and start drinking it all the time I guess. I'm putting my mind and my body to a test. I know I'm not a weak person but when it comes to the things I'm "addicted" to or what I think about I'm very weak. Once I can get through about a month without it I'll be fine. Now that I dont actually insert caffine through my mouth..I'm starting to take caffine pills. Wow, I'm bad. That's what I'm talking about..my mind thinks I need it.
It's funny because it's a new year now and usually people have things they want to change about themselves for the new year and I didn't even think about this until now. I wasnt thinking about cutting all these things out of my because of the new year, I just did it because I want to be healthier. This is what I was talking about..I think life is just playing out for me and the main thing is because I'm growing up. Haha its almost scary! Me? Grown up? Never! Life is so overwhelming in general. Now I'm finding myself a cramp and words aren't coming otut accept for what I'm writing now. My mind is blank. I hate when this happens..I start to free write just with anything that pops up.
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