Changes :)

I like to look back on everything that I do and have no regrets. I usually have the feeling of regret at the time I do something that I don't like but later on I think well, ya know things happen and there's nothing I can do about it. You know the good old saying "Everything happens for a reason". I can honestly say there is nothing I would have changed about this past year. I loved everything about it and had so much fun. I went through a lot of struggles and obstacles and it was so hard to deal with it all. Sometimes it felt like I lost everything not literally but, mostly within myself and I felt alone and scared of life but I got through everything and look, here I' am. When I think of life is always has me thinking for a really long time. The definition is infinity x a million. I met so many amazing people and spent so much of my time with all of them. I did a lot of stupid stuff this past year and made a lot of dumb choices but it all played out in the way it was suppose to. I don't like to hold back on anything and I just live life everyday day by day. I use 't to always think about what I'm going to do tomorrow or the next day and what I 'm going to do about one certain situation but honestly right now these are my prime years I'm young and healthy and right now all I'm doing is hope for the best. Of course I'm not going to just sit back and do whatever I want and let things flow out I want to try to start doing things more productive with my life and experience new things that I never done before involving the world and traveling. I got down on myself a lot this past year over really little stupid things and I shouldn't of let all of it get the best of me but, I did and I don't regret anything. Everything made me stronger and more aware of myself. I know what I'm capable of and I know what I'm about. I love to test myself and see what I'm going to do next and what that will be I don't know yet but what the time comes I'll know. One big thing Ive learned is "it always could be worse". When I just think my life is crashing down and there's nothing to look forward to I'm always wrong but I think well, my life could be like this and I could not have this. Everyone has hard times but it can always be worse. When I'm having a bad day and the sun is still shining, I shine. :) I'm so thankful for everyone that's in my life good and bad because in some way they are all a part of who I' am and what I do. I'm thankful for the little things especially music aka my playlist haha. Music is such a big part of who I' am and within the past couple years I really realized this. It can make my whole attitude do a 180. One thing for the next year is I want to start being more nice to people. I know I'm a nice person but, I want to start smiling at people I don't even know because that could literally make someone's day. I know when I'm walking in a store or in the mall and I walk past someone I dont know and they smile, it kind o puts a little smile on my face and that does mean somthing. Overall this past year was wonderful and I couldn't of asked for more and hopefully the next year is just as good and it's one step closer to the next year and whatever life has in store for me.

memories of the yr 2008

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B- "Bite Down"; I can't count how many times my friends and I have listened to this song and most of all did the action. I think I heard this song about twenty times a day and like 20 times at night. This song was a big part of my life during this past summer. It actually means a lot to me.

*Becca's Car*- I don't think I have even been in my mom's car as many times I was in my friend Becca's car. So many memories and nights have gone in that whip. It was like our home.


C- "Concord House"- This was the house my friends and pretty much everyone I knew partied at for a month straight. Every night we were over here; it was pretty much insane. Everything and anything happened here. I will def. always hold this memory close with me. I could write a book just on this alone.

D- "Dancing" Every weekend this past year of 2008 there has been dancing all around me. All my friends love to dance. But, when I'm at the right place and in the right mood I'm right there with them. Dancing just makes you feel so right and top of the world. It helps your break lose and just be yourself. Dancing really brought us all together.

E- The word "Ecstasty" I refer to this word as happiness. If someone asked me to describe my year of 2008 I would have to say this word. This year has been so joyful and just a great memory that I will have forever. The people and places I went to were unforgetable and all I can do is smile whenever I think back at all the times I've had.

F- "Friends"-This past year I have made so many new friends and lost a couple really good friends. It's been quite the yr. with relationships and who I've become close with. I'm glad I got to experience the year with all the people I did, I wouldn't of changed anything.

G- " Grand ol' Days- LOVVEEEEEEE ITTT!!!  Summer days, summer nights, people everywhere in your face,  houses up all along grand havin parties, that's my kind of life. I went to this party that was outside in front of everyone on their lawn and I didn't even know these people but ofcourse knowing myself and my friends we went there anyways and of course we were all welcomed because we were hot girls and we just wanna have fun! Haha I ended up partyin with my mom this evening and it was really fun. I met this old dude on these like crutch things that he was walking on and they made him like super super tall and i was taking pictures with him and my head was in between his legs yeah very akward! ha! but very memorable.

H- "Hidden Falls"- My friends and I at least went down there once a day or once a night. That was our meeting up spot. Everyone would go there and then when it was time to go to the next location everyone would get in their cars and follow eachother. Sometimes we would have like 10 cars in back of us. It was so funny to watch, I thought someone would have gotten pulled over at least once but, it never happened. Sometimes we would all go down to the 3rd bench and have a little party down there. No cops would ever come but a few times they did. A few times someone would say "cops" and we would all run and be running for no reason at all and while we were hiding we would get 5 minute inch. Wow, did that suck! I think I iched for like twenty minutes.

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M- "Marshal House"-  My friends Amy, Sarah and Victor had parties at their house every weekend for a few months. We call it the marshal house because thats what the streets called. Too many crazy things happened here, it was absolutely nuts! I miss these days so much...we always had a place to go. Everyone knew about it too and everyone was invited there.

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R- "Rave"- I went to my first rave during the summer and it was called "Friday the 13th rave" and I just had to go. I wore pink spandex tights with a jean skirt and did my make up really cool. I went with my friend Becca and it was pretty much the coolest thing I ever seen. It was inside of an indoor skatepark. There were people riding their bikes and doin jumps and tricks. The lights were amazing and their were neon lights flashing everywhere and there were huge speakers and the vibration of them were insane. It was a good experience!


S- "Studio 250"-  This would be my most fondest memory and place I had the most fun at. I think I'm speaking for a lot of people when I say this. Everyone looked forward to the weekend so they could go there.. This went on for about a couple months and I was their number one visitor. I was there every single weekend, all my friends and I. I made sure we didn't go anywhere else. My memory is kinda foggy on some of the nights and yes I got way too out of control and acted insane and let the beast come out of me but, I was always welcomed back :)

T- "Taste of Minnesota " HAHAHAHAAH really all I can do is just laugh about these days spending there. Especially one night. SO SO SO crazy. I cant even explain what went on there and say what didn't. Some things I can say haha I gave like 10 dudes from South Africa my number in order to get on free rides. I went on like 12 different ones just for being a girl and flirting with them. I stole a real coach purse wallet type thing and got away with it and pretty much anything I that was in my sight I took. I know, I know, tisk tisk very naughty of me but what can I say? I got a little clepto in me :( Taste of Minnesota this past year was so awesome and I look back everytime and crack up because I was so stupid!

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free write

As of today I'm having a really good day so far. This morning I woke up to my mom screaming at me to wake up and I got really pissed off and told her to "shut the hell up". Then ofcourse she got really mad and left the house. I felt bad but, then I quickly got over it. Every day I have different feelings and the way I feel is really different. I'm sure thats the way it is for everyone. I'm just writing a short free write now because once again I cant focus on my writing and the assigment. Today Is Friday so I'm feeling very happy. Every weekend it brings joy to my eyes and ears with all my surroundings around me :) My friend Jeri is shadowing me today so it shall be more fun today also. I really hope tonight goes smoothly with whatever were doing or where ever we go. The past couple weekends have been really fun because there has been no drama! I'm interested in who will be calling me tonight because a certain someone hasnt called me all week and im very upset about it and usually we see eachother on fridays. It's whatever though, I'm not trippin. I'm having very mixed emotions right now with alot of things. I'm feeling kind of crazy right now and some things are rushing in and out of my mind. I hope I dont do somthing crazy tonight haha ;) Its going to be interesting because sometimes I dont know what I'm capable of especially if I'm under the influence on a few things. I do things that I regret the next day and I hate it but I get over it pretty fast. Theres one thing that I cant get out of my head from last weekend though and its like making me feel sick to my stomach. I dont know how I could do that and be so hypacritical you know? Like I say all these things about relationships and go and do another it just fuckin pisses me off and I feel very gross about it all. I think thats why maybe things are going the way it is. I believe in karam and when you piss her off she will come twice as hard and bite you in the ass, I dont care what people say, karma is true and shit happens...

summers :)

Ever since my summer of 05 I can say that was the beginning of who I' am today. I was thirteen years old and experienced so much and had so much fun with it all. My best friend Jacqui and I experienced so much together at a young age it was just so crazy. Every day was craziness and that's how it has been every summer since then. When school starts it all tames down some what but not totally but nothing is like summer. I wish I would have kept a diary on all the things I did, saw, places I went to, people I met..at least I have pictures. :) I met Jacqui at the roller rink when I was in 6Th grade and didn't start hanging out with her until the summer going into 8Th. Since we were together we were inseparable, I literally found my other half. Thats what we would say to people. We were sisters from another mother. That summer there was a group of us. There was me, Jacqui, Patty, and Britney. More later in me talking about my summers I'll explain why I'm not friends with 2 out of the 3 anymore. One of the stories is quite sad. Anyways, the whole shabamb started off with Jacqui calling me up one day asking me if I wanted to go to a party with her? I thought to myself wow, me go to a party? This is what I always wanted to do and she was in highschool at this point so she clearly knew where it was all at. I said okay and I was over at her house within 10 minutes. Her brother in law who is a D.G. at the Myth took us all to the party we were invited to. It was so much fun right from the start. I had all these guys not to mention OLDER GUYS hitting on me. I loved it. I was so use't to little boys at my school or just little boys in general around me and now I was around guys in highschool. Guys that were upperclassmen. I never really drank alcohol before, one time prior to this at this girls house and I got totally wasted, I blacked out. But, anyways I started drinking hardcore beer right away it was sort of like it came natural to me. More and more guys started looking at me and talking to me. I thought to myself wow this is the life. In my head I thought they liked me but I soon came to realize it was all a joke and thats how older guys were. I didnt have to worry about that at my little private school I went to. The whole night I was drunk and I was making out with a bunch of guys. I got like 8 dudes numbers and they got mine. I ended up doing some things that night that I regreted later on but as I look back I dont. We all make mistakes and especially at parties. I just happened to be 13 at the time. Everyone thought I was 17 and a junior at Concordia. Thats what I told everyone haha and they all believe me because I looked older. I developed and matured at a young age and could get away with it. That summer I spent with those three girls was amazing. We went to concerts, casinos, hotel rooms, fairs, parades, party after party and what topped it all off was the State fair. Wow, I tell you State Fair times during 2005 Summer was my prime. I went back to school in 8th gr. kind of a different person but not totally. I was always that girl who everyone looked up to and everyone wanted to be friends with. I was popular with pretty much anyone since I could socialize so in kindergarden. I didn't have any enemines. I some what did when with the older girls at my school because I looked older and had bigger boobs then them. To this day I think they were jealous. When I was in sixth gr the eighth gr. girls thought I wore water balloons in my bra. Come on now guys! Really? Its called pubirity. I just wanted to scream at all of them and rip of my shirt and say "look" now do you think im lying? Anyways, that summer I spent with those girls was really one of the biggest and fondest memories I will ever have. Whats funny is I was only thirteen but, it was all just so much fun. If I could go back I wouldnt change anything about it. I probably made some of the biggest mistakes I'm going to make my whole life but i wouldnt change any of it. I loved every single moment. I think it sticks out the most to me because it was all so new and refreshing and it was the start of my teenage years. We were like these little bad ass teenagers who got anything we wanted, went whereever we went. We were such little cons to everyone. Best of all I had my bestfriend all to myself. Jacqui is still my best friend but now shes 18 and works all the time, has a boy friend who acts like shes married too. Lives on her own and I barely get to see her. I'm okay with it now because I'm doing my own thing as well and met so many new people but, nothing was like when we were together.I wish it could still be her and I against the world but everyone has to grow up sometime and she did before I did. I know she wishes the same, I know she does but its never going to be like the way it was when we were younger. She really will always be a part of me. She's one of the biggest reasons I'am who I'am today. She has taught me so much. We spent our earliest teenage years together, thats when everything happens; when you mold into the person you are through out highschool and somewhat in college.



Well, I think I'm going to start off on the next summer. This one was a bit more crazy. Since that time to this time I met so many more people and experienced so much now I know what it's all about so I'm more syked to try new and more exciting things. I'm not sure if this was a good idea considering I was so down to do just about anything. I was going through a time where I loved the thrill of just about anything that was "bad" haha. Jacqui started going out with the guy Dan who was brothers of my friend Britney's boyfriend Peter. He lived in an apartment in Shoreview with two other roomates; Dan and Chuck Turner aka Hott Dan. Jacqui's boyfriend was named aka "Dipshit Dan" well, because he was a big dipshit at the time. We spent pretty much our whole summer over there. It was just unexplainable on what happened there or what didn't happen. Our new thing that we did almost every night of summer 06 was skinny dipping. Jacqui loved doing that. I didn't want to the first time we took a little trip to the nearest beach "Lake Josephine". I thought she was absolutely crazy. I didn't want to because I didn't want to strip down naked and jump in the lake with all the people I was with. So, i refused on doing it. I looked at Jacqui as this little she dare devil who really would do anything. I really looked up to her because she took life day by day living her teenage years so fully and alive. One night her and I told our parents we were having a "sleepover" somewhere haha only if they knew at the time. So, I told my mom I was going to Jacquis and when I got there we told her mom we were going to my house" so I guess a sleepover at eachothers houses haha. It was like out of a movie. We were upstairs getting ready for these three really hot guys we met a couple nights prior at the beach when Jacqui and my other friend tianna were skinny dipping, the night I didn't go in. They were from St. Thomas Academy, in frickin college! I was like fourteen at this time! Well anyways.. we were upstairs and i played a ringtone I had at the time my famous "crazy peter dance" one and I "answered" it (not really though, i was pre tending") and I pretended to talk to my mom and tell her we would be ready when she came and got us. I hung up. I knew her parents were in the kitchen right down the stairs so they could hear me. Wow, was I sneaky! So her mom believed it ofcourse she was so easy to con into anything. We finished getting ready and waited for the boys to call. Soon as they called we said "bye call you later" and ran out the door and just kept running down the street. We told them we would meet them at the Wal-Greens by her house so just in case her dad peaked out he wouldn't see the car that wasn't my moms car. I will always remember this when we were running I fell straight on my face an scraped my whole leg up, it was so bad. I had this huge scrape on my leg that started bleeding instantly. All I could do was laugh so hard and just keep running with Jacqui. Right when we saw them we jumped in the backseat and started driving. I knew we were going to a party but didnt know where. We ended up going to a party on their college campus. I was so excited. BOYS BOYS BOYS! haha thats all I could think! I ended up getting so so so drunk I told Jacqui I wanted to go skinny dipping after the party. At that moment I felt so accomplished in lying to our parents and making them believe that we were at eachothers houses I just had to do not to mention I had like 10 guys on my jock all believing I was nineteen at the time haha wow I love thinking back at this. Good times. Anyways off we went to the lake and there I go butt naked me, Jacqui, Tianna and this group of guys. I remember the feeling I had at that very moment. It was so powerful. The way i felt in the water at like 4 am. Wow! I dont even know. I thought to myself why wouldn't i want to do this every night then I thought well maybe its because i'm not sober haha so I said I just gotta drink every night and everything will be all good :) So we made a pack that whenever we can at night were all going skinny dipping no matter what or who were with and we sure did keep to that pack. So I'm going to have to say that really made that summer just awesome. Going to bed drunk with wet hair because we jumped in the lake was like awesome at the time. We would wake up and someones house we met that night with our make-up all off and our hair just nasty. Then we would be stranded in another city and hitch hike back to our house. I think back and I would never do that now but then I was down. Just to get a ride home. We would have to go home and get ready and do it all over again haha. Well, back to a little bit more at the apartment we spent mosrt of our days at. I think thats when I started smoking alot. I would smoke like 3 packs over there because they all smoked and they were just there. They were also very generous with their things aka alcohol too haha. We partied every night there. Let me tell you, things happened there where it wouldn't happen anywhere else! It was just great. We had to end our days and nights there about 2 months into our summer considering me and a bunch of us robbed a house that 4th of July. You know how I was telling you I stopped being friends with one of the girls I hung out with summer of 05 well, it was her house. I know, I know, really bad huh? let's just say I was young and stupid and the most well known I'm use't to saying still is "I just wasn't thinking" ofcourse. Me, Jacqui, Tianna, Alex, and Dana decided to go to her house and use the key I had to break in and steal a bunch of things. I at least stayed out in the car while they went in but it doesnt really matter that much because I gave them they key. Britney and her parents were out of town this weekend. That whole night was such a blur but I remember them walking out with so much stuff. I dont even remember if I was sober or drunk. I just dont know. Well we told eachother and this didnt get out to anyone and none of us would tell. Well, Jacqui was going out with britneys boyfriends brother and Jacqui wore her clothes one night like a week later over to his place and told him. Well, they ended up getting into a huge fight later that night and he told his brother ofcourse. We were all so mad at her for telling, not at the time really but once we had Britneys mom calling us threatening all of we were pissed. I woke up one morning with the sheriff on the phone with my parents not to mention speaker phone! I remember his scary voice talking to my dad. I almost shit my pants literally. I denied the whole thing for like three hours. My mom and dad believed that I wouldnt have any part in somthing like that. They made an agreement if I knew anything I would be in trouble with the law but not with them. I thought well, I'm probably going to get caught cuz none of us had a story to tell the police like if we were to get caught so I cracked to my parents. They were in shock. The police were already at Jacquis house that morning questioning her about everything. I tried calling her to tell her that I told them but when the police said I did she thought they were just lying to get her to tell. She ended up going to JDC that day and was there for about a week and for her birthday! I felt so bad because no matter what she didnt crack to them and I did. The reason why we couldnt go over to the apartment anymore is because the police went there investigating everything because we told them we went there after the robbery and they were pissed so they said we couldnt come over there. I think we ened up going there like a few weeks later thought but the energy wasn't the same. It was sad. But, most of all I was so mad at myself for doing this to Britney. We were friends with her, I had so many memories with her and she saw me as her best friend. I just couldnt believe I did this to a friend. Somthing I would never do now. It amazes me the things I did then. I really did lose a good friend and I made this friendship with someone and flushed it away over somthing so stupid. My summer got kind of dead towards the end because of what happened. Since that happened I remember still going out but I remember going to the drive- in alot with a whole bunch of people. That was alot of fun. I also lost Alex as a friend. We spent alot of time with him in the summer. He became part of our group, we would go everywhere with him. And, he was so pissed at me for telling the cops everything he didnt even want to talk to me. He would talk to everyone else but me so I felt really bad about that. I remember one night I was getting ready to go to the club with him and Jacqui and he didnt even pick me up for it. He told Jacqui no way in hell I was getting in his car. Jacqui's brother in law would get us into 16 plus at the Myth for free and we would get VIP. That was so much fun. We would go every Tuesday. We met so many people there to this day we know. We dont party or hangout with them but we still keep in contact with all of them. I remember the first time I went there. Jacqui and all her friends she came with got to go up on stage and dance in the cages. This was a big deal at the time because it was opening night of the 16 plus at Myth and we felt so cool because Jacqui was the number one D.J. theres sister in law. I remember going crazy and taking my water bottle I had and just pouring it all over my head and dancing. I think back now and think this really looked stupid because I was so not cute when I did this but at the time I felt really hot lmao. I would go there pretty much every tuesday and then leave to some guys house and party all night. I think back to all of these memories and everything I went through. It amazes me how much I really did and went through. I love it though because I got to experience everything at a young age I know what to expect now. I really did grow up fast but that was just part of my nature. My whole group of friends I had back at my private school all stuck together. Were still all friends to this day. Every teacher we had all thought somthing different of our group. They all knew we were different then the other kids but they knew we were good people and very good hearts. If it wasn't for my school and teachers I grew up with I wouldnt be the person I am today. They taught me so much and I appreciate them so much for that. I always talk about going back there and visiting them but, I just never do. No matter what I have been through or did I'm always going to remember who I am and what morals I have for myself. We all make mistakes but we should always remember who we are and what were about.

once again (free write) :)

I started writing the beginning of the story so called the assignment but I'm feeling like i need to do this at home when I'm focused and dont have any distractions around me so I'm going to write a quick sample of my weekend. Needless to say, my weekends are always filled with so much excitement and new things to talk about the following Monday. Friday my best friend from Forest Lake came down and we began the weekends just as always. We went to my friends apartment in Newport and his dad is in jail for the moment. Hes been there for the past few weeks so thats where we all have been going. It has been quite the time to party. Friday night was once again very fun but no drama. Its been weird because nothing really big has happened the past couple weekends and I like it that way in a "way" lol . I'm so use't to having something to talk about. I stayed there for a few hours and then my friends gf came to get us and dropped us off at my new "boyfriends" house haha. I guess you could call him that. All my friends got kicked out because his roommate was sleeping and had to wake up early the next morning but, of course I stayed back. it was quite interesting. Him and I has a very nice talk, a talk like we never had before and I felt in tuined to what he was saying. I finally got what I wanted you could say. I'm not so sure if this is going to be healthy for me though because I already feel like shit about the whole thing. I think this is why I usually don't have boyfriends, its just way to stressful and I think I'm happier when I dont have extra baggage. But I do believe in karma and I think it has something to do with my actions Saturday night when I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. Ugh I hate this shit, I really fucking do. BULLSHIT!!!! anyways Saturday we went to the same place. I'm getting really sick of people and their stupid ignorant ways. I find myself non stop around people that sound so stupid when they speak and they have no idea what their talking about. I wonder if they feel the same way about me? I think to myself how could they possibly think I'm ignorant?? It could be that way but I doubt it :) Overall this weekend was very fulfilling until Saturday night. How could I? I proved myself wrong once again. I was not right about what I thought about myself. It really pisses me off. I think I'm the one who surprised myself more then anyone else and since its me I get more upset but, I think thats the way it is with everyone. People beat themselves up the most when they mess up and I think thats how it should be. It shows that we really do have more respect for ourselves then what people come across as. It really shows when we fuck up. I think thats kind of interesting very much so. Well, its a new week and its almost my birthday. I can't wait! I was suppose to be on crutches for this one but I talked my mom out of the surgery once again. I know it has to be done but I just cant stand the thought of walking around on crutches during winter break. How horrible! I need to be able to walk especially for New years :) I feel things crashing and coming down but, Im not going to let it happen this time around especially for 2009. This year has to be good. As I get older it just seems to be getting harder with everything life comes with. My mom always told me this would happen. Well, I'm keeping the wall up this time and nothing is going to make it fall down. I feel very anxious right now about things and I cant wait for it all to come out in play. Sometimes I feel like a little baby learning how to walk. You have to fall over and over again before you can walk and this is how it's been my whole life. Things don't just get handed to you. You have to work hard and try over and over again before you get the prize. If that's what it takes to have a fabulous life and what I want then so be it. I had my friend come see me. I use't to hangout with her all the time. She is so different from me but we always seem to click and talk about just anything. Shes married now and lives in Winona with her husband. But I was thinking its so funny how I can have all these friends and just one day your not friends anymore and you can see them somewhere and have absolutely nothing to say to them. Its really sad how people come and go in and out of your life. And all the friends I have now most likely I wont see them in a few years and everyones going to go their seperate ways. I hate it but thats the price you pay in havin alot of friends. But, every memory with all of my friends is another snapshot to put in my photoalbum. My mental photoalbum :)

years in the beginning

From the youngest age that I can remember I always thought of my life as a movie. My family, the people around me, my friends, places I went to were always exciting and filled with so much excitement. I could just never get enough of the word "fun". I loved always being in the crowd and being in the conversation. I don't think I can come up with one story filling up the time for one whole week so I'm going to write about a series or things that has happened. When I was 9 I started going rollerskating at this place called Saints North. I would go with anyone that was willing to come up with me, the problem most of the time was my friends parents wouldn't want my mom to just drop us off and pick us up, they wanted her to stay there. But, since my mom was okay with not staying there and dropping me off and she couldnt lie to these kids moms, it was hard for me to find friends to go with. My mom always saw me as a few years older then what I always was. This was always pretty nice for me because I could do more things then other kids my age, haha accept for when I was really young I always had to come in when the street lights turned on wow did I hate that. I would go up in my parents room because their window faced towards the street and I could lay up there on their bed and look at all the other kids playing in the street. I don't know why I would do that because I'm assuming that would just make me mad seeing all the other kids still out there playing. It was probably a control issue in knowing that even though I couldnt be out there with them, I could still watch and see what their doing without me.



All my friends were boys up until 4th gr. I was a huge tom boy that loved playing with the guys and especially outdoors. I swear I could climb any tree I tried. I loved getting dirty, I remember I would always come back to the hourse with my feet all dirty and my clothes filled with things I didn't even know how they got there. I remember telling my bestfriend Joe Joe at the time that I was a boy because I thought he would like me better. He always favored the boys same with all the boys and they would all treat me differently because I was a girl so I felt left out at times. He didn't believe me no way, no how but, I still kept telling him I was. It's funny to think back on that and think I actually wanted people to think I was a boy haha. My bestfriend starting from kindergarden to 2nd gr was Nathan. Haha we would get into so much trouble together, we were the trouble makers of the school. We ended up getting split apart in 2nd gr from our teacher because we would cause too much trouble when we would hangout. So we ended up kind of drifting apart and he got a new bestfriend "Dylan". Wow was I jealous of him..I felt so betrayed but, I guess it had to happen because literally we couldn't hang out. My best friend who I have now Kirsten and two other girl Sami and Becca took me in as kind of like their little pet haha and formed me more girly. By the time third gr I was wearing chokers around my neck and I remember wearing a skirt and a blouse for picture day wow that was a big change. Pretty sure all the guys thought right there and then I was a "girly girl" now hhaa. I went to a little private school over by house that was really small. We were like one big family. I went there from k-8 so I never experienced a public school until 9th gr but ESPL( my private school) was almost like a public school. This was a school like no other, if I could I would make it into a highschool and tell everyone to go there. It was so awesome, those teachers basically raised me besides my parents and taught me everything I knew..




continued...

my writing

As a whole, my writing I think is pretty understandable and I can put peoples in my thoughts for a split moment. I try to express myself and what I'm trying to say as best as possible. Its always hard for me to get my point across thru speaking so I try my best when I write. Sometimes I can be talking about one thing and all of a sudden jump to another topic in my writing and I think I have to work on that. I mean, I can understand it but not everyone can and that might lead to people thinking my writing is not very good. Not that I care because my writing is my own personal thing that I share with myself and my thoughts but, when I'm in a class having my teacher and students read what Im saying might be a different story. I think my thoughts and feelings shine through and you can really gasp it all. I think I need to work on putting what Im trying to say in a whole and a complete thought. I usually ask questions in my writing like I'm talking to myself or talking to someone else. I write as if I'm talking to someone and having a conversation with them. Personally I love my writing and dont hold back on anything. It takes me to a world where I cant explain but I'm sure other writes can relate to what I'm trying to say. Its like its just me and the pencil and all the thoughts, feelings, insecurities overflow on my paper. It's amazing and I really treasure everything that comes in play with it all. Alot of times I come to a blank space in my mind where I just feel like I need to stop because my thoughts and what I'm trying to write are overlaping with eachother and I cant get it together and I have to stop because I cant write it. I know what I'm trying to write but its really hard for me to put it in words. Other times I can just ramble on and on about things and never shut up.

thoughts on the economy

Well, my feelings about our economy are very weak. I don't really know what to say about the whole thing. Maybe its because me personally isnt experiencing it or my parents. I usually can put myself in other peoples shoes and try to imagine what they are going through. It's not that I don't care whats happening with people's jobs it's just that I'm not thinking about this topic. It only crosses my mind when it's brought to my attention then, I usually just starting doing whatever I was doing. I'm not use't to people always talking about money issues and lost of jobs everyday. I mean, accept for when my mom says the simple words "I'm broke" but I'm sure every child has to hear their parents say that so I'm not quite sure if you can really compare. Anyways, since were on the topic and I'm actually thinking about it. My thoughts and concerns are hopeful. I dont really think theres much I can do about anything but all I can do is hope for the best. I dont know why the economy is like this..I dont see really anything wrong with it thats the problem I think. I usually have alot to say about stuff but this one just doesnt register for me. I must feel for the ones out there that work hard to pay bills and support their family, i must feel for them and I do. The thought of people getting basically half their lives taken away from them because it "has" to be that way really sucks. My mom has been at her job for 25 years. She works hard and goes every day rarely missing a day or even a couple hours. She's the one who pays for everything. Shes been doing it her whole life, whole marriage with my dad. So, the thought of her losing her job is out of question, out of thought. I dont know what I would do. Life is life i guess and things happen all the time. We might think we have it bad but someone always has it worse then you. I hope the United States can get it together and pull it through. Obama talks about change and how we needed it and how he will do it. Most of his votes were based upon just one word he always said "CHANGE". I know it's not going to just happen like that but hopefully it happens soon. All the people that didn't want him as our President and doubted him, I hope he proves us all wrong. I always said just one person can't change anything and everything that happens in our Country cant be blamed on one person. Everyone blamed it on Bush and I thought that was very unfair for him. I'm not quite sure if that will be the same for Obama thought. I feel like if things dont work out in his pleasure and things arent "changing" people wont say anything about it because hes on this high torch for whatever reason. I take back what I said actually. Im not going to wait for Obama to change anything yes, he does have a big impact on alot of things soon to come but its all about life and life changing as people getting older, the years changing. It will all come together. God has a plan for all of us. Whatever is meant to be it will be. We have to stop blaming eachother and pointing fingers. We have to focus on ourselves and whats best for our Country. No matter what have to conquer everything that comes our way and stand united. We have to represent what our Country stands for. "These colors don't run". Thats what I'm hoping for.

just think

Lastnight I went to treatment. Im going to have to say it was probably one of the best nights there so far. I was really nervouse going there due to some nights prior to lastnight. But, the conversation was one of the best. Ofcourse it was an argument on what WE thought about space, life, the last day on earth, how we were made etc. I guess you could say "deep" things to talk about. Sometimes I get into these moments where all Im doing is thinking about these things. I told my counselor this is why I dont smoke weed haha. Thinking about life and what other life is out there really amazes me. My religion believes that Earth is the only planet with life on it and we came from man. As I'm getting older Im finding more and more things about the worlds and facts are being thrown at me from left to right and I really think its testing my true beliefs on things which I'm not liking very much. I dont like to be tested on my faith and my thoughts on what I think and how I've been brought up. But, we cant help our minds and where it goes to. Our mind can go into another world, another place whenever we want it to. Thinking about what could really be out in space just blows my mind away. Everything is so huge and so far away our mind cant even comprehend it all. We only know whats in our solar system, if that. This boy that Im in treatment was saying some really cool things that really caught my interest and it was a really good discussion. What if theres other solar systems out there just like our milky way that has other life on it. What if we really could travel in time through a worm hole and go to another world in space? I just dont know anymore. I mean how big really is space? I mean theres just so much out there. Another topic we talked about was evolution. How we came from apes? Hmm..this one is hard for me to believe. I just think its really obserd to think this way. How could this possibly be true? Humans are such amazing creatures the way our brains work, how we function all due to our brain, how intelligent people are..all the new inventions were making every day, every year, every new generation. Or how about this question? Are we really here? Is this really happeneing? Was I really born? Is life going on right now? Am I typing right now, moving my fingers, staring at the screen? I guess life just amazes me when I really think about it and everything around me just is there. How I'm here right now in this time of the world. My face, my hair, my eyes. People say God isn't real and the world just appeared and we just came from animals. There has to be a higher power out there and the way God is discribed could be in my eyes the only one that could have done all these marvelous things. Theres is no way we just came from animals, plants whataver. I guess thats where my faith plays in. People say the Bible messes up in what it says. I feel that people underestimate that book very much but every other science book or any other book people believe instantly. I dont really know why I believe in him, I do but thats just where I have faith and its like I know. I dont have an explanation its just there in my mind,heart, and soul. I cant get mad for other peoples thoughts and ways of thinking. I'll listen but it will never change my thinking. I have caught myself doubting but I cant let that happen. Its just my faith getting tested and I know that. I usually end the conversation in " I guess we'll just have to wait and find out".

someones blogs :)

Well, I didn't really get the chance to read everyone's blog but blogs that usually catches my eye I read. I never really read her writing before until I started taking this class. I'am very pleased when I read her latest blogs because I can relate to her the most. Her thoughts about things are very similar to mine but not her writing style. Shes more discriptive about things and more accurate on what shes trying to say. In my eyes as a writer, I think she has alot of talents. She expresses herself in a way that people can see and get what shes trying to say. She has complete thoughts and her feelings really show through and what shes feeling that exact moment. I can put myself in her shoes for the moment Im reading her blogs. It seems to me she likes to write and write alot and I like that. She vents on her blogs when shes feeling a certain way and I thats kind of what I do. Maybe thats why I like her blogs? Probably. Overall she seems to be a good writer and knows what shes trying to say and she puts it in words very well.

magenticpoetry

Who smoke your sex
there soon was velvet
surround magic with perfume
where it never heals
the poison slowly speaks
at the fever of its prisoner


wild sex, vivid movement
life was only the question
black latex investigate her canvas
free as a drug, every cigarette composing
live your imagination as you think
my absurd drunk is genius