free write

Okay so basically I was suppose to write this blog early this morning but I had to catch up on the last blog from yesterday morning. Im going to just write a free write of my day and so far night. Since my mind is racing and I cant really think of a topic or even off the time of my mind I will just write. So today I went to school and ofcourse I had a good day at Creative Arts. I always do. The people and the teachers always make me smile and in a better mood. I cant help but not love it here (i hope im not "jinksing" myself lol) however you spell it. Anyways Im havin a hard time on picking my classes because Im so confused on how many credits I need and what classes I need to exactly take but for now Im just going with the flow. After school I went to treatment and I actually walked out of there thinking about my life and the situations I sometimes put myself through. I have been there for the last 5 months but tonight I was really thinking. Do I really want to be that girl who everyone sees as a good person and I know I am but sometimes my actions dont always show that. I have good intentions and I want to succeed and I was to go places but if my life im living really going to take me places? I know everyone has dreams and hopes for their future but in order to succeed you have to just not talk about it you have to start with your actions. You know? I always think to myself why am I not as smart or as talented like other kids my age? I mean, they can draw, paint, sing, dance, act, do photography..whatever it might be. But, not everyone can do all of that. I tonight was so excited to come home and write this blog and as of right now Im thinking..I love to write. It truely is my passion and thats what Im good at. I never actually take the time to sit down and really think about things. It comes in my mind and all of a sudden ill be on the next subject thinking about what Im doing tomorrow night..so Im always left wondering. I hate to wonder. I want the facts! Tonight I was in the car with my mom and I was thinking what if I just got into a car accident? what would i be thinking? what would I do? or if i could do anything..? Life is so beautiful and filled with so many oppurtunities that myself and people are wasting on things that arent going to get them anywhere. Maybe this is a sign of me growing up? Im not sure yet because Im not letting my actions speak yet. Anyways getting back to when I was in the car with my mom, I thought what if I was gone? like that?? My life was suddenly out of my hands and my mind was no longer in existence..how many lives would be changed from that? Im always thinking "what if"? Im not sure if thats a good thing or bad thing. I do know one thing though, it gets stressful. Well, I dont know what tomorrow will bring but I know today was another day added to my calendar. I just gotta keep going and be the best that I can be, not for anyone else but, for me. I know right from wrong..I shouldnt chose the wrong path but sometimes I do, heck I'm human..that shouldnt be an excuse but thats mine most of the time. Temptation gets the best of me and I dont think I just act. Well, I hear my dad leaving right now because his car is so damn loud because of his muffler. I wonder where hes going..i always have to wonder that. He's capable of anything and his actions are what I worry about the most. Hes like a ticking time bomb..just ready to explode! Well im done, I just had to get some of my thinking off my mind. Good night!