death and really thinking

So today I went to my friends house to borrow one oh her purses and we began talking about all our partyin we do and who we hangout with. I found out of my friends (acquaintances) I know, who I uset to party with all the time this past summer, her brother was shot and killed at once. At first I was told it was her cousin Josh. I knew him and uset to party with him every weekend for like 2 months so I quickly felt this weird feeling that I never felt before. I never had someone close to me or someone I knew die before so it was all new to me. At first it didnt hit me yet but then I started thinking about the last time I saw him and what we did together..I started crying and just thinking about him as a person and how I knew him. I soon began to tell people that knew him too and all that. I found out it wasnt the kid I knew and it was my friends brother. All of a suddenn my feelings changed. It was still sad but not as sad as when I thought it was someone I knew. It weird how we have these feelings for someone we knew or someone we even met, or someone we hung out for a little bit and all of a sudden they can be gone and you have this feeling that you never felt before take over your body. Its also true that I found out tonight is not believe everything you hear at first hand because the whole story can be changed around. I never knew what it was like to lose someone that you knew until tonight. Its a horrible feeling and I would never wanna feel that again. I cant even begin to imagine what this boys mom or sister feels. If I felt so horrible and barely knowing him...imagine the people that know him best. I just cant imagine it but life is life and it throws the unexpected at you all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I can deal with the unexpected constantly. It gets old sometimes. Also, I have really been thinking about my partyin and who I associate myself with. This past weekend one of my really goof friends got jumped by dudes and he doesnt remember who they were or why they did. He doesnt even remember anything about it. That really scares me because I found him upstairs passed out in a bedroom when we were getting ready to leave. What if I found him dead? I wouldnt know what to do, say, why people did this, or who did it. The unexpected can always happen at a house party especially when there are so many different types of people there, different crowds, gangs, race, gender, relationships, etc. You just never know. And when there are drugs and alcohol involved..wow Im only 16 and I have seen so much due to those! Alot of things have been happening and I dont even want to go out on the weekends anymore..I dont wanna be that girl on the news talking about my bestfriend getting shot or murdered or beat up whatever it might be I dont wanna be her. Shit, even the girl who is on the news because she got murdered. All the partying is just not worth it. I guess it has to take someone close to you getting hurt or killed to finally wake up and realize you dont always have to party or drink. Because sometimes the night you might this will be a blast will turn out to be either your last night over somthing stupid and pointless or somone close to you due to the same situation.